Today I am getting ready to release individual vignettes from my movie Invisible World (February 26, 2014 selection on the Erotica page at TanyaTV.com.) The first vignette takes place in a gym. When I gaze at the pics from that shoot I can’t help but reflect on the personal history of my breasts. I installed those implants in 1996. For nearly two decades I jogged, lifted weights, slept on my stomach, wrestled, danced, and more. Finally the silicone bags ruptured, the right one more severely than its twin on the left. Unfortunately this occurred in March 2013 when I was dealing with a bad tenant and a foreclosure issue involving the condo I now call home. To make the long story short I continued dancing/shooting with ruptured implants until late November 2013. It took that length of time for me to retrieve my home from foreclosure, move into it, and save enough money for the implant replacement procedure. Surgery felt like such a blessing when it finally occurred.
Silicone gets hard when it ruptures. Your body encapsulates the foreign material that is floating around the chest and armpits. Scar tissue forms. In my case a mass of scar tissue forced the right breast forward at a very prominent angle. I have seen this happen to other models/dancers/pornstars and watched them soldier through stage shows, videos, and daily life until they had the time (mandatory few weeks off work) and money for surgery. At times I wondered if I would handle it as well as they did. After all, you need to have confidence in your body to appear naked in front of strangers and give a good performance.
I became a master at concealing the asymmetry in my breasts with eye-diverting body jewelry, strategically placed locks of hair, structured bras, and carefully orchestrated poses. Cameraman Jon White excelled at selecting the most flattering of camera angles. I powered through.
One particular memory lingers in my head. On September 15, 2013 I was carrying two large bags of groceries home from the store, one in each hand. “What happened?” a voice with the resonance of a Hellfire and Brimstone preacher boomed out from the Metro train platform in the center of the boulevard. “One of them fell down and the other stays up!!” Time seemed to freeze, activity on the busy street ceased, people turned to stare. I realized that he was talking about my boobs. Tears sprang to my eyes and I fervently regretted not having worn a pair of sunglasses that morning. I trudged home, reminding myself that individuals are starving on various continents and others are dying in wars. How could I dare cry over my own stupid, miniscule problems? I recorded the episode in my I Ching journal and then turned to the I Ching for guidance.
“Cling to what is calm and good no matter what others do.”
I followed this excellent advice for the next few months. The positioning of the scar tissue behind my breasts made it look like I had EEE size boobs. In my entire lifetime – and I am being completely honest when I write this – I do not recall ever having approached a stranger and made a personal comment about his or her body. Many people showed me no such courtesy. Fuck them. I got stronger.
On November 10, 2013 I took the above pics for Invisible World. By that point my right breast felt like it would burst, expelling all of that hardened silicone into the atmosphere and raining it down on top of mankind. No such thing happened but I finally had surgery less than three weeks later. I just grabbed two handfuls of my soft breasts. What a relief. Didn’t intend to write all this. Funny how photos can stir up all kinds of memories.. 😉 Hope I’m not killing the porn magic with this discussion of bodily parts and medical procedures, but it feels oddly therapeutic to release these paragraphs into cyberspace.
P.S. Just finished a workout. Was thinking about the above post and want to thank all of my dear custom video buyers who commissioned sooooo many videos in the period of time leading up to my surgery. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart for making a difficult situation so much easier. I shot videos like a madwoman and the funds enabled me to both pay for surgery and rest comfortably during the weeks of dormancy which followed. Big kiss to each of you: Muuuuaaahhhh!!!
Watch Tanya Danielle videos now!