Silicone Mountain

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Good morning,

Today I am getting ready to release individual vignettes from my movie Invisible World (February 26, 2014 selection on the Erotica page at TanyaTV.com.) The first vignette takes place in a gym. When I gaze at the pics from that shoot I can’t help but reflect on the personal history of my breasts. I installed those implants in 1996. For nearly two decades I jogged, lifted weights, slept on my stomach, wrestled, danced, and more. Finally the silicone bags ruptured, the right one more severely than its twin on the left. Unfortunately this occurred in March 2013 when I was dealing with a bad tenant and a foreclosure issue involving the condo I now call home. To make the long story short I continued dancing/shooting with ruptured implants until late November 2013. It took that length of time for me to retrieve my home from foreclosure, move into it, and save enough money for the implant replacement procedure. Surgery felt like such a blessing when it finally occurred.

Silicone gets hard when it ruptures. Your body encapsulates the foreign material that is floating around the chest and armpits. Scar tissue forms. In my case a mass of scar tissue  forced the right breast forward at a very prominent angle. I have seen this happen to other models/dancers/pornstars and watched them soldier through stage shows, videos, and daily life until they had the time (mandatory few weeks off work) and money for surgery. At times I wondered if I would handle it as well as they did. After all, you need to have confidence in your body to appear naked in front of strangers and give a good performance.

I became a master at concealing the asymmetry in my breasts with eye-diverting body jewelry, strategically placed locks of hair, structured bras, and carefully orchestrated poses. Cameraman Jon White excelled at selecting the most flattering of camera angles.  I powered through.

One particular memory lingers in my head. On September 15, 2013 I was carrying two large bags of groceries home from the store, one in each hand. “What happened?” a voice with the resonance of a Hellfire and Brimstone preacher boomed out from the Metro train platform in the center of the boulevard. “One of them fell down and the other stays up!!” Time seemed to freeze, activity on the busy street ceased, people turned to stare. I realized that he was talking about my boobs. Tears sprang to my eyes and I fervently regretted  not having worn a pair of sunglasses that morning. I trudged home, reminding myself that individuals are starving on various continents and others are dying in wars. How could I dare cry over my own stupid, miniscule problems? I recorded the episode in my I Ching journal and then turned to the I Ching for guidance.

“Cling to what is calm and good no matter what others do.”

I followed this excellent advice for the next few months. The positioning of the scar tissue behind my breasts made it look like I had EEE size boobs. In my entire lifetime – and I am being completely honest when I write this – I do not recall ever having approached a stranger and made a personal comment about his or her body. Many people showed me no such courtesy. Fuck them. I got stronger.

On November 10, 2013 I took the above pics for Invisible World. By that point my right breast felt like it would burst, expelling all of that hardened silicone into the atmosphere and raining it down on top of mankind. No such thing happened but I finally had surgery less than three weeks later. I just grabbed two handfuls of my soft breasts. What a relief. Didn’t intend to write all this. Funny how photos can stir up all kinds of memories.. 😉  Hope I’m not killing the porn magic with this discussion of bodily parts and medical procedures, but it feels oddly therapeutic to release these paragraphs into cyberspace.

XO Tanya

P.S. Just finished a workout. Was thinking about the above post and want to thank all of my dear custom video buyers who commissioned sooooo many videos in the period of time leading up to my surgery. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart for making a difficult situation so much easier. I shot videos like a madwoman and the funds enabled me to both pay for surgery and rest comfortably during the weeks of dormancy which followed. Big kiss to each of you: Muuuuaaahhhh!!!

 

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Books from the Heartland

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Good evening,

I would like to thank the anonymous individual from the US Heartland who shipped me a second box of carefully chosen, individually wrapped books and DVDs. I really appreciate your letter, your encouragement, and the great additions to my library. Right now I am literally preparing to get new bookshelves. My current “ladder-style” bookcase is both overflowing and tipping at a precarious angle. A handyman did his best to secure it to the wall and then said: “Try not to touch it.” I like the fact that I have outgrown the piece, especially since I have plenty more untapped wall space. Friends have asked why I never hang paintings or photographs. In the back of my mind I always knew that I would need those walls for more important things;) Thank you again, my Heartland friend, for the new material. Incidentally, I am right now reading Cast of Killers by Sidney D. Kirkpatrick and enjoying it very much.

Much gratitude and many kisses,

Tanya

 

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Celluloid City

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Celluloid City

In a city grown wild and weary,
A phone rings, a siren sings, her words bleak and dreary.
Glittering, glowing, refulgent in the night,
Embers of past intrigue step into the light.

Shattered fragments, many shards of a whole,
Fractured legacy of a missing soul.
Captured by celluloid, held hostage in the void,
Reclaimed at last when endless reels destroyed.

Loops of discarded tape splay across floor,
Rolling and undulating, no power to restore.
Reunited with strength of her gender,
She reaches inside to explore wealth and splendor.

Celluloid memories drift away,
Merely carnage from another day.
Mythic kingdom, luster gone,
Dark leads light into oblivion.

Past recedes into present,
Recollections breed obsolescence.
Still, celluloid projections lurk inside blackest hole,
Glinting like daggers which pierce the soul.

Tanya Danielle stars in Celluloid City, a surrealist fantasy featuring panty fetish, panty stuffing, masturbation, anal plug, and extreme close-ups. Co-produced by Jon White.

 

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Smoking, Shooting & Warhawks

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Good afternoon,

In the past week I completed my hospice orientation and also did a lot of shooting for a private collector. The material goes straight into his library and will never surface publicly. I lost count of the number of videos but they consisted of my standard fare: bondage, POV femdom, and superheroine-in-peril. Yesterday I caught up on necessary errands, including a trip to the doctor’s office for a TB test required by the hospice organization. The red circle on my forearm still looks like a red circle – nothing alarming has developed 😉

Today I visited Subway for breakfast (just discovered that they sell Subway gift cards on Amazon) and could not get a refill on my coffee. Most Subway locations put a coffee pot near the fountain drinks but this store did not. I ate my food and migrated to a donut shop. The Jerry Springer Show was playing on a TV set above my head. Fortunately I could only hear it, not see it. One individual lamented the fact that his girlfriend had been sleeping with his cousin but expressed his desire to stay with the girlfriend. He used these words to explain why he had neglected to kick his cousin’s ass: “When you smoke weed you get stuck. I got stuck watching Netflix.” I write most of the text descriptions for my videos in donut shops so I quickly jotted down his statement on my ubiquitous notepad (thanks again for the new supply, Don!)

For the record, I think that Francesca Le and I have the distinction of being the only women in the entire adult industry – and possibly the whole state of California – who do not smoke pot. She once commented that it annoys her when she has to wait for people who are fiddling with their pipes or inhaling intoxicants. I feel the same way. For some reason I never engage in any type of smoking, not even cigarettes. Shay Sights and I shot the above photos for a customer who later observed that we had forgotten to light the cigarette. Lol.. I don’t get hired for many smoking-themed shoots.

Tonight I am immersing myself in Turbo Tax. For fun I put a little money on a college hoops (CBI) tournament. Go Warhawks! Hope everyone is having a great week.

XO Tanya

 

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Blonde Stripper Battle

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Blonde Stripper Battle

From Tanya Danielle’s 2011 catfight diary:

“Kristal Summers and I had intended to get together this past Friday night. An hour before our date I told her that I had fallen ill and wanted to stay home. Sweet as ever, Kristal expressed concern and inquired if she could bring anything to my bedside. ‘No, thank you.’ I replied in a weak voice, sniffling a few times. ‘I’ll be OK. Right now I just need to sleep. Hopefully my fever will subside by morning.’ Kristal made me promise to call immediately if I started feeling any worse. I agreed, hung up the phone, and touched up my makeup.

Thirty minutes later I was walking into the club where Kristal and I both dance. I felt capital, particularly since I knew that Kristal had canceled her shift when she and I had made our original plans for the evening. Now I would make bank as the only busty blonde in the lineup! As expected, I raked in the dough and happily returned home around 3am on Saturday morning.

At 7am someone started pounding relentlessly on my front door. I tried to ignore it, but after five minutes of steady banging I finally got out of bed and looked through the peephole. Kristal was standing on my porch with an irate expression on her face. She never gets mad. I opened the door. She glared at me. I tried to look puzzled. ‘Let’s settle this in the ring.’ she said with the closest thing to anger that I had ever heard in her voice. ‘What are you talking about?’ I asked. ‘Settle what? What are you doing here?’ She looked at me with complete disgust. I could sense a potent combination of contempt and moral superiority roiling inside her gut. All of a sudden I realized that I was behaving like an imbecilic coward.

‘All right, all right.. ‘ I said, waving my hands in the air to ward off her unspoken accusations. ‘I tricked you into resheduling your Friday shift so I could work all night with no competition whatsoever. It was crappy of me to do it, but.. ‘ My words trailed off. Really, there was no justification for my actions. Kristal stared at me. I sighed. ‘Look, I’m sorry.’ I said. ‘I deceived you and also deceived myself into thinking that I was just telling a few harmless white lies. Now I see that I could have seriously compromised our friendship by thinking only of my own financial gain. I really am sorry. Will you forgive me?’

Kristal leaned in close to me. ‘Will I forgive you?’ she replied nastily. ‘I might forgive you. Maybe I will feel more forgiving after I take your ‘harmless white lies’ and shove them up your fat, white ass!’ For the record, I can’t say for sure whether I was suffering from a massive hangover or still just drunk from the night before. Not that I am making excuses for anything that happened later in the ring..

Download Blonde Stripper Battle at Tanya’s Clips4Sale store. Photos available at FantasyImageStore.com.

 

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Interracial Inferno

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Interracial Inferno

A gym occupies the hidden southwest corner of a dilapidated industrial park. So many abandoned buildings dot the surrounding landscape that firefighters periodically set one ablaze to conduct training exercises. A stranger walks past the gym and then returns. Through an iron door she observes a woman doing flyes on an incline bench. Within moments the watcher has entered the premises, grabbed a fistful of the woman’s blonde hair, and dragged her to her feet. A circuit of energy bounces between the two muscular, smoldering females, picking up momentum as they stand eyeball to eyeball, breast to breast..

Mercedes Ashley and Tanya Danielle star in Interracial Inferno, an epic sexfight containing wrestling holds, bondage, lesbian domination, belly fetish, breast and belly worship, breast and belly torture, and forced orgasm. Interracial Inferno is now playing for a limited time inside Tanya’s Diamond Club Members’ Area.

 

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Film Noir

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Last week I went to an amazing exhibit entitled Light & Noir at the Skirball Cultural Center here in LA.  It intensified my interest in classic cinema. A few minutes ago I watched the 1948 black-and-white film, Ruthless. Sydney Greenstreet absolutely takes over the screen, even on my laptop. What a commanding presence – so fascinating to witness! He did not have the starring role but yet he dominates the whole movie. Check it out if you get a chance. If you have an Amazon Prime membership (I do) you can watch thousands of vintage films for free.

Editing photos tonight. Think I will view Love from a Stranger next. Don’t let anyone tell you that the life of an adult film actress is not exciting 😉

XO Tanya

 

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Onward and Upward

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Early this morning I hopped into the car to run some errands. I elevated the volume on my phone in case the lady from the hospice organization happened to call. Naturally she chose to contact me during the three minutes I exited the vehicle to pick up my mail. Instead of playing the voice message immediately I drove to Home Depot, parked under a tree, and took a deep breath which sorta filtered out of my mouth with resignation. I closed my eyes and listened to her words. In an efficient, friendly manner she thanked me for my candid e-mail and assured me that she would still like me to come to the training seminar later this month. She did make reference to the fact that her organization especially needs clerical help in their offices. That works for me. Recently I have been feeling very eager to step put of my own familiar patterns and find a way to assist others.

Thanks so much to all of you who responded to my last post with such supportive comments. I deeply appreciate your kindness and value your perspectives on the situation. Today’s good news has invigorated me. At Home Depot I bought new blinds and storage containers so I can do a little fix-up/closet cleaning at my place. Maybe I will also use that stepladder in the pics above to dust the crown molding which encircles my entire home. Those high heels will come in handy since I neglected to purchase a taller ladder..

Hope everyone has a great weekend!

XO Tanya

 

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Stark Reminder

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I feel like going back to bed. A few days ago I filled out an application to volunteer for a local hospice organization.  My phone started ringing within minutes after I submitted the online form.  An extremely efficient lady was calling to give me information about their next training seminar. I went to bed that night feeling good about it. Yesterday she sent an e-mail requesting that I bring my social security card to the seminar and also fill out a form which will enable her to run a background check on me. I lost my social security card years ago. And.. what to make of this background check? What do they look for in a background check other than a criminal record? These issues danced in my head until I sat down and replied to her. I included these paragraphs in my response:

“.. I don’t have the actual social security card but I do have a copy of it which I am attaching to this e-mail. It bears my childhood address but my signature still looks exactly the same. Will this be sufficient? If not, I will go to the social security office. In the past I’ve discovered that it is often easier to deal with government agencies in person rather than by mail. In regard to another issue, you mentioned that you will need to run a background check on me. I have no criminal record but was arrested for DUI at a sobriety checkpoint in April 2010. In July 2010 I accepted a plea agreement which reduced the charge to reckless driving. Also, I do not know what type of information turns up in a background check but I have had a very long career in adult entertainment. Throughout the decades I have variously described my occupation on tax returns as entertainer, model, or actress.

Originally I thought I would meet you before mentioning any of the above but it seems prudent to do it now so I can potentially avoid wasting any of your time. I do realize that many people have a profoundly negative impression of adult entertainers and, consequently, I may not be a good match for your organization. A few years ago I read an article in which a hospice nurse described how some terminally ill patients would receive vouchers to live in motels where they would go to die alone. Her statements really affected me and since then I have wanted to offer assistance to people who, in some regards, have lived (and may die) outside the bounds of traditional society. Please do let me know if you would still like me to come to the training seminar on March 31. If you feel that my background will be problematic for your organization I will look for another volunteer opportunity for which I may be better suited..”

Yes, I know that it will make me no less of a person if this organization decides not to accept me as a volunteer but writing those words left me feeling a bit vulnerable. Looking at a copy of my old social security card with my legal name and Atherton, CA address – stark reminder of the identity and the home that I relinquished so, so long ago – reawakened some twisted, confused emotion in me too. Full moon will be rising tonight. Maybe the tidal pull is affecting my equilibrium 😉

XO Tanya

 

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Cherokee

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Petite, raven-haired Cherokee and I first met on the video set of a 2002 production for Adam & Eve Studios (pics second row from top). She and I did a crazy 4-girl orgy with Kim Chambers and Felix Vicious. I think the scene starts as a catfight and evolves into a sexfest with very large dildos.  Well-known female director Toni English filmed the footage at actress/producer Skye Blue’s now defunct Canoga Park, California studio. On that day Cherokee seemed very enthused about her new porn career and also gushed about her boyfriend back home, possibly in Tennessee or Kentucky. She radiated happiness and exuberant energy. In the coming years Cherokee and I shot together often, frequently for large XXX production companies. As time passed she grew quieter and more withdrawn. Even though she smiled with warmth and always had a great attitude I could sense some type of sadness beneath the surface.

Cherokee established an official website which I used to glance at from time to time. On one occasion she described her frustration with a rental car clerk who tried to make arrangements for paid sex when she was picking up a vehicle. I could relate to her anger. Fans posted supportive comments in response to her words. Eventually Cherokee’s website vanished and, shortly afterward, she disappeared too. Long ago I devoted a blog to her and you can see in the comment fields where fans express puzzlement and sadness at her abrupt, unexplained departure.

On FreeOnes.com someone describes Cherokee as “underrated”. I agree with that. Throughout her prolific career she always remained beautiful, physically fit, intensely sexual, and very sweet – qualities which put her head and shoulders above most of the talent in the industry. Not sure why she failed (through no fault of her own) to garner quite as much recognition as she deserved. Even her Star Page at HotMovies.com seems oddly flat, kind of like someone wrote it at 4:58pm with the intention of leaving the office by 5pm.

I saw Cherokee for the last time during the 2005 shooting of Lesbian Milfs. In keeping with our shared history we had a wild catfight which lead into a passionate sexcapade. On that date I had filmed three different scenes. Cherokee came for the final one. The producer and I watched her drive away in a new SUV after we finished the video. “That car is the first thing that she ever bought for herself.” I remember him commenting. The resignation in his voice conveyed the sense that she deserved better circumstances than life had dealt her. That moment in the moonlight made a distinct impression on me. It seems very vivid even now.

This may sound silly but Cherokee lingers in my mind as sort of a female warrior figure. Even through difficulties she always retained her beauty, her kindness, and a positive outlook. The adult industry breaks a lot of women – they grow bitter, disillusioned, and angry – but Cherokee had some type of profound inner strength which enabled her to keep her dignity and self-respect. I hope that she is well.

Earlier this morning I added Deep Inside Cherokee (bottom pic) to TanyaTV.com.  Infamous custom video pioneer Mike Raffone shot this exclusive footage in July 2004. Longtime custom video fans will recognize his signature teal green couch in the background 😉

XO Tanya

 

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Ex Libris

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I would like to thank the generous stranger who mailed me a treasure trove of books (and one DVD) this past week. It gave me great pleasure to unwrap each selection and I really look forward to immersing myself in the material. A nearly full moon is rising over Los Angeles right now – always a perfect accompaniment for a night of reading! Thank you also for the encouraging and inspiring letter. I greatly appreciate your taking the time to write. The new additions to my library seem very likely to invigorate my senses and my writing. Have a wonderful week! I will follow your lead and do my best to spread good karma.

XOXO Tanya

 

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Taylor Wane

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In recent years Taylor Wane and I have had a few contentious encounters. I wrote about one of these episodes a few months ago. Obviously the above pics were taken during better times. Not sure what Taylor is up to these days but her college fund-raising efforts don’t seem to be going very well. We last saw each other during this shoot when I became extremely angry at her for repeatedly hitting me in the face. Suffice it to say that the day ended badly even though we did finish the video. I respect Taylor for her tenacity, determination, wit, and intelligence. She carved out a very lucrative niche for herself within the adult industry. Unfortunately she provoked me one too many times. Sometimes people make continued collaboration impossible. Because of her beauty and charisma I could easily forget the past and shoot with her again but I don’t even know if she is still making videos or not. Click here to check out Taylor’s Star Page at HotMovies.com.

XO Tanya

 

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