Tag Archives: blonde

180 Degrees

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Good morning,

I greet you as sun sets over Pacific Ocean. Big thanks to all of you who remembered my birthday. Your e-mails and messages warmed my heart. Yesterday I did something different for my birthday: went to a home loan modification  workshop in Riverside County, a 2-hour drive on surface streets from where I live. Twisting through canyon roads, passing thousands of heads of livestock I motored toward Wind of the Spirit Church, the venue which was hosting the event. Upon arrival a woman asked for name of my lender, looked momentarily nonplussed when I stated it, and then told me to sign a sheet marked by only five other people. Another woman handed me a number, directed me to a busy area where I could wait until lender called me.

Attendees occupied designated spaces devoted to Bank of America, Wells Fargo, Chase, Citibank, etc. Clutching numeral “6” I sat by myself in the empty section assigned to my lender. Most companies had individuals overflowing from their chairs but I had several rows completely to myself so I settled in one and placed bags in another.  Like most women present I carried purse plus additional tote bag filled with documents.

In the next room Bank of America representatives wore matching red garments, another lender wore black, tray after tray of coffee circulated, documents changed hands, and people stayed in perpetual motion even while seated. When my number got called someone lead me past a team in grey blazers, through another team in dark green, into the midst of twenty more animated conversations, and finally to a location directly in front of church pulpit where one individual sat all by himself with no coffee, no paperwork, and a big smile. I shook his hand.

After finding pertinent loan information on his computer he asked how he could help me. “I’m hoping to consolidate the first and second trust deeds on my condo.” I told him. “Can’t do it.” he said. “We’re not a lender.” I smiled, he smiled, silence. “What are you?” I inquired after a moment, unable to come up with a better question. “We are a servicer.” he explained, supplementing his answer with a list of services which his employer did provide. “The holder of the second trust deed directed me to talk to you guys.” I told him. “According to them only your company can enable me to consolidate the loans. Are you saying that I have no chance of combining them?” He nodded affirmatively.

Conversation improved from there. Basically, he told me what I need to do without really coming out and saying it. I gained valuable insight and feel glad that I spent my birthday on this mission. As mentioned in previous posts I have been experiencing some financial issues and am trying to approach them proactively, even though I usually cringe when I hear that word.

At the event people in the waiting area had been carrying on quiet conversations, often wishing one another luck when number holders got called onto the main floor. I rarely find myself amongst kindred spirits – if anything, I have been feeling totally out of touch with most of society – but yesterday I fit right in. Despite presumable hardships (why else would you attend a loan modification workshop?) no one behaved brusquely, raised a voice, or had any need to call attention to him or herself. In Southern California, megalopolis built around clamorous entertainment industry, this qualifies as unusual.

Money issues have humbled me, made me more sensitive to my fellow man, and much more appreciative of blessings in my life. I used to fixate on acquiring more, more, more material “gains” but now I try to maintain a happy, harmonious home and help others whenever I can. Priorities have changed, flipped 180 degrees. I reflected on all this as I sat in the church yesterday, pondering loan modifications and yet another passing birthday. Very glad that I went.

By the way, everything seems to indicate that my mysterious non-lender qualifies as a foreclosure mill. They acquired my loan back in 2012 when I was dealing with a bad tenant, facing the very beginnings of health issues, and falling behind on mortgage payments. Even though I’m stuck with non-lender for now I feel a new sense of equanimity. Like Jeff Lebowski I shall abide – no point in sweating issues beyond my control 😉

Thanks again for all the birthday wishes. Hadn’t intended to type this long but yesterday seemed rather profound, mainly because I realize how much I have changed. Anyways, back to important stuff:

  •  Pics above come from Underground Violence gallery (starring Fightbabe Robin vs. myself) just uploaded to FantasyImageStore.com
  • Onyx Castle is now playing inside Diamond Club Members’ Area with another new selection coming tomorrow
  • Lip is healing slowly but surely. Should be able to start shooting customs within a week, I hope. Huge thanks to my custom video collectors who are waiting so patiently!

Hope everyone had a great weekend!

XO Tanya

P.S. Do I look a little dazed in photo below? You would too if you went ten rounds with Fightbabe Robin..

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Jumble

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Good evening,

Looks like milf extraordinaire Mrs. Hamilton is grabbing throttle of a speedboat as she powers through pristine ocean waters. Actually, she has taken a far different type of excursion:

Red Neon Fury

Tanya Hamilton scrutinizes every aspect of Highway 6 landscape while restless mind narrates third person travelogue:

“Haunted highway, lonely truck stop,
Asphalt flanked by agriculture,
U-shaped burger joint with car hop.

Nighttime driver smokes red sulphur,
Traces path of circling vulture,
Enters twilight zone gone viral,
Donuts into endless SPIRAL…… !!!

Car spins wildly out of control, scarring pavement with black circles before landing in ditch next to donut shop. Shaken, Mrs. Hamilton adjusts chignon, climbs from vehicle. Shop proprietor offers sympathetic greeting, steaming cup of joe. “Must’ve nodded off there..” he says. “Happens all the time on this forsaken highway.”

Slipping into plastic yellow booth grateful traveler watches red neon sign letters illuminate themselves one by one to spell out “HOOTERS DONUT”. First “T” in sequence flickers spasmodically, as if wiring or bulbs cannot function much longer in present condition. Reflecting on recent activities Mrs. Hamilton feels similarly discombobulated. How had she succumbed to sexual advances of 18-year-old family friend?? Despite impromptu road trip homemaker cannot escape memories. “No one will ever know about affair.” she tries to reassure self. “And it doesn’t count as lying if no one ever asks me about it.” Nervously she twists wedding ring on finger, stares out window into moonless night.

Like tiles in cosmic game of Jumble flickering neon letters suddenly exchange positions to form new message: “DO UNTO OTHERS”. Scorched by red neon fury Christian housewife nearly loses consciousness for third time in less than a week..

Will Mrs. Hamilton ever reassemble what remains of her jumbled conscience? Probably not. Check out the good time she had in Red Neon Fury.

How does that scheming housewife sleep at night?

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🙂

XO Tanya

 

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High Roller

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With April Flowers in Las Vegas circa 2001
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With Sharon Mitchell in Hollywood circa 2005

Greetings,

Almost deleted my last post because I felt embarrassed that I was ranting about a cyst on my lip. Then I decided to leave the words intact because they reflect a dilemma faced by so many Americans right now: trying to stay healthy while avoiding the doctor. As mentioned previously I’ve had three surgeries in less than three years. Although I have insurance it did not cover all my medical bills, not even close. I prepaid for breast surgery but still received more bills afterward. Even though my insurance company approved foot surgery they later declined to cover all of the charges associated with the procedure. Have you ever tried to battle an insurance company? Don’t even bother. I had eye surgery at a county facility after a private physician ushered me out of his office. He did not want to deal with a patient who had a $5500 deductible on her insurance policy and I don’t really blame him. Ironically, I am still paying off his bill for the initial consultation. If he remembers me at all he must feel very relieved that he did not perform surgery on me.

Prior to eye surgery at county hospital a staff member called to confirm my appointment with the anesthesiologist. During the phone call the staff member chastised me for using county services without having established a payment plan. Can’t recall exactly how he phrased his accusation but the words stung. “But I provided my insurance information when I checked out of the emergency room.” I told him. He muttered something in return and we ended the call.

That particular conversation left me with a sensation that still lingers today: sometimes I just feel like a failure. In my twenties I wasted a lot of money but in my thirties I started getting serious. Two photos above show me at adult industry conventions which occurred years apart in different cities. Yes, I wanted to look nice but I wasn’t out spending big money on clothes. In fact, I was recycling wardrobe and preparing for the future – or so I thought..

This morning I woke at 4am to move my car from a street cleaning zone. I like to get up early and, honestly, don’t want to pay $80 a month to park in one of the nearby corporate lots. My trusty steed, now 13 years old, gleamed in the moonlight. For the thousandth time I looked at my car and thought: “Paying you off was one of the smartest things I ever dd.”

To sum all this up: I am doing the very best I can. Like so many other people I work hard but find that health care costs often exceed my resources. One way or another way I will deal with the cyst on my lip. Dr. Google says that mucous cysts usually resolve within a week or two. I will give it a week and visit a real MD if I don’t see any healing progress. Big thanks to my custom video collectors who have shown such patience. I am really looking forward to shooting your videos and appreciate your kind spirits more than I can say.

XO Tanya

P.S. I received notice that my health insurance policy with $5500 deductible will increase 33% in price next year if I want to keep it. They also sent me a thick booklet of the changes in benefits I will receive since policy will be downgraded to an “epo” from a “ppo”. Good grief, sometimes you almost have to laugh. Onward and upward – I’m young, healthy, and strong and I shall carry on.

 

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Red Hot Hypodermic

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Good evening,

I allowed myself to get a bit frustrated today over something really stupid. Things haven’t felt “normal” (whatever that may be) for quite a while. Recently I fell ill for several long weeks with fever, aches, and golf ball-sized lymph nodes in my right groin. After three surgeries in less than three years I really want to avoid any more medical bills so I consulted Dr. Google rather than visiting an MD. All my symptoms, including long length of illness, fit the description of toxoplasmosis. Humans can contract this disease from infected cats and, in fact, I had been fostering kittens with parasites throughout their neutering/vaccinating/deworming process.

In the past week my lymph nodes have finally begun shrinking back to normal size and I feel great. Shortly before Thanksgiving I bit the outside of my lower lip. I briefly cursed my stupidity and forgot about it. Then, days later, a prominent blister appeared. Dismayed, and unhappy about prospect of delaying upcoming shoots, I told myself: “It will go away soon.” Hopefully it will indeed vanish but today, upon sighting it in the mirror once again, I turned aggro, throwing a childlike hissy fit in the privacy of my home where no other humans (thank goodness) could see my embarrassing, self-indulgent histrionics.

Don’t know why I’m admitting any of this but situation has struck a nerve because I’m already juggling so many medical bills. Dr. Google tells me that I probably caused a mucous cyst when I bit my lip. It should resolve naturally but in some cases a doctor does have to remove a mucous cyst. Honestly, I tried to pop it with a sterilized needle but that didn’t work because it’s not a blister. Now I wonder if I caused myself worse problems. Anyways, I will stop acting like a baby. Maybe I will take up smoking like that broad in the top pic – she looks nice and relaxed.

Sorry for my rant. It did feel therapeutic. I should spend my hours helping others and counting blessings rather than whining about minutiae. If you are reading this post you may later discover that words have mysteriously vanished 🙂

Onward and upward.. aside from misguided antics with a sterilized needle I have accomplished a few things:

Will return to answer post comments in an hour or two. Hope everyone is having a pleasant Monday!

XO Tanya

 

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Black Swan

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(Pics above from Madeleine’s Mark)

Good afternoon,

I have pulled myself from bed after brief illness. Made a few lifestyle changes recently but want to see how they work out before I discuss them. Think alterations have shocked my body. Lymph nodes in left groin have exploded to sizes never seen. Last night I sweated with fever, gobbled ibuprofen for body aches. Do I have the flu or am I reacting to recent events? Not yet sure but I did have some trippy dreams. One of them featured a black swan nesting within my kitchen (or pantry?) light fixture. Even inside dream I reacted to black swan by staring fixedly and thinking: “Wow, that really is a black swan.”

During 2016 I have started listening almost exclusively to alternative media on YouTube for economic, political news because in this day and age mainstream radio primarily transmits propaganda. Alternative media makes frequent mention of potential black swan events which will adversely effect economy. I had never gazed upon a black swan til one surfaced in my dream last night. In honor of the omen (and sometimes omens do presage good things) I am putting Black Swan starring Goldie Blair and myself on sale for $11.99 (normally $22.99.)

While wracked with fever, body aches over past two nights I also rewrote some text:

Madeleine’s Mark

Legend of Madeleine’s Mark:

Moon beams as banished infidel,
Advancing soul from parts unknown,
Divinely guided but alone,
Encounters ravaged citadel.

Lost fortress strewn with mortar shell,
Excruciated human bone,
Irreverently toppled stone
Now offers up forbidden spell.

Ensconced in devastated site,
Submerged beneath dark, layered loam
Masked vagrant finds forgotten tome.

Alchemical book brightens light,
Rich gold explodes from honeycomb,
Kaboom! Deposed queen has come home!

After banishment from corrupt oligarchy Madeleine had wandered for years, stumbled upon remains of toppled fortress. Search of rubble lead to discovery of ancient tome containing alchemical secrets. Now possessing ability to create golden bullets – magic projectiles which will transfix enemies into quiescence – Madeleine prepares to leave indelible mark on society which had rejected her so long ago..

Previously I had released above video under title “Through the Looking Glass” but I had strange compulsion to redo text and change title to Madeleine’s Mark. I just added Madeleine’s Mark to my Clips4Sale store for the first time.

Hope everyone is having a nice weekend. I’m trying to rest up because I have a lot of shoots next week and want to be 100% healthy.

XO Tanya

 

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